MmaMashego 10 October 1969- 15 July 2009

I think other PCV's will agree with me when I say that the loneliness they've felt here, in this experience, is nothing like loneliness they've ever felt before.
Yesterday, early in the morning, my coworker Esther, from my first office in Metz, passed away.
As I was heating up water for tea last night at a little after 6, I got an SMS from Rejoice letting me know the news. Rejoice said she wanted to write me earlier, but she wasn't sure how to do it, didn't know how to break it to me gently. So last night, I spent a couple of hours numb. I had no reaction. I was shocked, but as far as tears or sadness, it hadn't hit me. Around 8 or so I lost it. I felt really alone and I cried for only a few minutes, and every time I closed my eyes all I could see was her. I had no interest in doing much of anything, so I spent hours lying on my bed. Fast forward through a phone call home, some more crying, and a few hours of staring at my roof, and you'll get to 2:30 am when I finally fell asleep. You see, I spent a long time thinking about my past with Esther, how things were left when I walked out of that office in March, and things are just really complicated.
I walked into Kodumela this morning and walked into hugs. Maite and Rejoice hugged me repeatedly, told me they loved me, and asked if I was OK. All day long people asked how I was doing, if I was OK. I talked to Ledile for a long time in her office... told her I was trying not to cry, and she responded with, "Oh Mmapula, we are all trying not to cry"....and then we cried.
I think now I'm going to go work on my color (Maite said it was a little off)... I'm going to get in bed, eat some supper, and call it a day. Before I close my eyes, I'm sending good thoughts to Esther's children (an 18 yr. old, 14 yr. old, 9 yr. old, and 2 yr. old) and her husband... and will remember that day when we had so much fun at her house, where we watched The Young and The Restless and drank cold drink from the tuck shop.