I never thought I would count the days. My whole goal was to be present, be in AFRICA, while I was in Africa.... but, yeah, that whole idea has been thrown out the window. It's Tuesday and although there are plenty of things I could be doing at Kodumela, I feel like there are a ton of things I need to do at home... because they need to be done and because I need to chill out and tell myself everything will get done. I need to chill out. Last week I was talking to Matt online and he asked how I was feeling about my impending departure from the village and my return to good ol' America. You know what my response was? I told him I was feeling nothing. And.. I really was feeling nothing. I could care less about deadlines, I was focusing on having fun with my family and coworkers, I didn't feel like I had all that much stuff to pack, and I couldn't even think about everything that might happen when I found myself back on American soil. A few hours later, Chris called me on his way to his last day at his job in San Antonio (he's moving back to Austin!!!!) and I told him the same thing when he asked the same question. While on the phone I was standing in the middle of a garden at Kodumela. I ate a piece of Spring Onion, I weeded around a tomato plant, and I listened to his excitement about a new change, moving back to where he wants to live. I was so excited for him. A few minutes later we said goodbye and I headed back to my desk. As soon as I sat down PANIC hit me. Heart pounding, tears coming to my eyes. What about a job? What about adjusting to a town I once knew so well? What are my friendships going to be like? What the hell am I going to do when I'm still adjusting, but I've been home long enough that people are used to me being around? How am I going to say bye to all these people? How am I going to leave Metz without kicking and screaming because I'm not sure I'm ready for the unknown... or sort of known? I think this lasted about 15 minutes and then I distracted myself or someone asked me a question....
I have decided, once again, that I hate transition... and I've never been good with change. These feelings, of course, don't stop me from trying new things and putting myself out there, but man they suck. With that being said, I wouldn't trade all the people I know, the love in my heart, and all the amazing experiences I've been given to not feel the pain of saying goodbye and to not face all the weirdness of change and adjustment. No, I wouldn't, and I'm going to remind myself of that weeks from now and months from now.
From the Africa side of things... I'm trying not to stress too much about saying my goodbyes and finishing up last minute things. I'm also not going to add any more things to my to do list... time is running short and I have to stop thinking so grand. And I'm still trying to figure out how the hell you say bye to people who mean a lot to you, who have carved places in your heart, and you're not sure when you're going to see them, some people you'll never see again. That's a toughie. In some ways, although I'm going to miss a lot of things, I'M JUST READY FOR THESE LAST FEW DAYS TO JUST SPEED UP.
From the America side of things? Can I say that I can't even go there yet? I have plans to hang out with people, watch them laugh, hear all about what they've been doing since I've been gone, get plenty of hugs, and just hang out. I have visions of meals I want to eat. I want to walk around Austin and soak it all up. I want to go to Gueydan and have coffee time with my Grandma. Then the plans stop. I can't go any farther. No, no, it's not denial... not at all. I'm aware that things are going to be different and there are most certainly going to be challenges. I get all that for sure. I just can't think too far ahead because I have NO idea what to expect. When you have NO idea, how are you supposed to make plans? How are you supposed to know what you're going to be feeling or what you're going to want to do if you're not in that situation yet? Uh huh. It stumps me.
No comments:
Post a Comment