The foundation seems kind of shaky, those dips are so low!, the climb to the top seems so slow, and hey, can I get a cushion for this seat?

If you haven't noticed, I'm trying to be more on top of the blog. Like I said in a previous post, I have things to write about... I mean I did disappear from letters and emails and blogs for over month... but I'm just following the pattern.. just riding out the coaster. Energy ebbs and flows. Enthusiasm ebbs and flows. Comfort levels. Love for where I am and what I'm doing. Lots of alone time. Motivation. It's charted territory by now... and so part of my life, that every time I hit the super lows, I can reassure myself things will go up, they always seem to... they HAVE to.. and if they don't, then that's when it's time to reassess what I'm doing and if I'm in the right place. I used to fight the lows... hell, I used to fight the highs (used to wonder how long it was going to last before I was plummeting back towards lows again), but now... I try to ride things out. I think about my reactions. I think about possible comforts and reassure myself that everything I'm feeling is ok. It's ok because there's no right way to handle this experience. There's no plan or suggested itinerary that a person can follow.
Last weekend I was volunteering at a mountain bike race (off road) in the mountains around Tzaneen and got a free ride into town before 7 am on Friday with MmaDiapo and her son Jerry. There aren't a lot of places to go and just sit in Tzaneen.. and there are certainly not many open before 8am. The internet cafe was open and it was there that I splurged on internet time, read blogs, looked at the news, chatted with people I hadn't talked to in awhile, and cried. Yeah I know, silly. It was my breaking point though. I was coming down, and fast. Coming down from the fun and adventure of traveling with my parents and the open road. Coming down from showing the life I've made for myself here. I was cracking from readjusting back to the village, back to a lot of the stresses that have become wallpaper in my everyday life. I got some separation from some of my frustrations... and then I had to go and face them head on, not really yet on the defense line again. So, yeah, I cried. I was on the computer, next to a nice young man who was looking up applications to universities in SA and the tears just started to come. Damn. This is embarrassing and kind of bad, isn't it? Or wait, is it? The nice young man looked over and gave me a sympathetic look. I shrugged and said,"This is what I do, I'm ok." And although I didn't feel immediately better, wasn't really interested in having a good cry, and it didn't do all that much for me, it was good. I've realized that crying is just part of all of this for me. It's a release sometimes... and sometimes the tears start to flow and I just start laughing because I know they're not going to do much. But, it's ok. And it helps too, that after leaving the internet, I walked to pick up pictures of home that had been developed, then to the yarn store to buy new yarn for a new project, and then had coffee and spent the afternoon with Jenny.
I've been struggling. I've blown money on phone calls to friends in the States. I've talked to my parents. I've had long conversations with other volunteers. I've admitted to myself that I'm in sort of a rut. A rut that I'm slowly crawling out of. When I'm in such a low place, I don't write blogs, I don't really write in my journal, I give myself time... I think, I read, I eat well, I walk, I try to clear my head, I make lists, I talk to people, and if I need to, I spend a lot of time in my room. I'm in the middle of the home stretch now. I'll be leaving in less than a year. That is crazy. It really is. Have I really been gone as long as I have? Do I really only have months left? I've started assessing things, started making lists of things I really want to accomplish in my last months. Some of the ideas are still pretty grand when you think about how much time everything takes.. and how progress works in baby steps... but they're ideas I'm not ready to give up on. Enthusiasm and motivation have been stretched thin. A lot of things I have suggested or tried over the last year are now just mere memories of ideas.. and I still have a couple places within me, harboring frustration, that rear their ugly heads as soon as their soft spot has been poked... but I'm not giving up. I'm trying to be more proactive. I'm being sensitive to what my needs are.. but I'm not going soft... won't let myself fall back down the hole. Or, ok, let myself fall so far down the hole that I can't get out... can't climb my way back up. I feel like, after months and months of a lot of things wearing me down, a common thread of uneasiness running through most of my interactions, I've lost sight of my initial views, desires, and ideas. That after months and months I've seen not so nice things about myself and other people around me... about South Africa.. and it hurts. A lot of what I talk and write about is truth in the way I see it all, but doesn't match up with what I feel in my heart. So, after giving myself some space and time to get back on track.. I've realized that being proactive is what I need to do.
Can I mention guilt, too? Guilt. Ha. I guess when you're in tune to people's reactions to things and you don't want to cause rifts and part of what drives you in the work that you do is all rooted in the idea/belief that people can live the lives they wish to lead.... you're gonna feel some guilt. You can't make everyone happy. So with all this thinking going on I've felt some guilt. Hey, man, when you've got time on your hands and a pretty consistent amount of waiting to get through, you think. Here's my "Sometimes I Feel Guilty When" list... and then, wahoo!, it's off to recap travels and happenin's in the village!
The Sometimes I Feel Guilty When.... List (cause by getting this out, I hope to get rid of some guilt as well)
1. I can't imagine going to the office and just sitting, waiting.
2. I spend a whole day in my room just reading, when, maybe I should be integrating more.
3. I try to be realistic with people at home and I feel like it sounds like I'm so negative and not giving this all a big enough chance.
4. I tell the kids who come to my door that I'm too tired to play even though my day hasn't been filled with all that much activity
5. Missing big occasions on the homefront
6. I'm wary of a stranger who is possibly just trying to help me and be friendly.. but I can't figure out if it's just a con and they've scoped me out as a soft target.
7. I don't respond to kids yelling Lekgoa. Sometimes they just want to wave and they don't know who I am... don't know my name... and are just trying to be friendly. And sometimes I'm just not in the mood to be called such a name.
8. I judge people based on their looks because, yes, some of being in South Africa has worn off on me.
9. I get pissed off at my office because it seems as though they always try to save things for themselves before handing things out to the orphans and families on our register... and then I remember that they don't have a lot either and are trying their hardest to make ends meet as well.
10.I wish I could have a working CD player on my computer so I could watch movies and that my iPhoto would actually work so I can post pictures.. and then am reminded that I'm lucky to have a computer, internet, and what what.
11.I think about how much I have a choice in being here, how just through luck I was born into a position in this world that provides me with options and opportunities.
12.I think that there is always more that I could be doing.