The Sucker Punch

This week was a pretty crappy week... here's the sucker-punch email I sent out to family and friends:

Hi guys,

WARNING: this email is pretty... something.

I've learned a lot while being here, but one of the biggest lessons has been about networking and learning that's it's definitely ok to ask for help. I am writing to ask for help. I need your good energy. I need your good thoughts. I need whatever you can muster and send my way. I know everyone is super busy, but I promise this will only take a couple seconds.

I'm in the Peace Corps office right now in Pretoria, trying to unwind, trying to wrap my head around what the hell I'm supposed to do next. It's gettin' dark outside, looks like the rain is going to start up again... it's been raining ever since I got here 4 1/2 days ago. I'm almost at the point where I feel I'm close to overstaying my welcome in this city. I'm getting antsy and it's not feeling so fun and comforting anymore.

I know I have a tendency to ramble on and on about my emotions and how this whole experience makes me feel... that's because this experience, my experience, is so emotional.. and on a much bigger scale than I ever expected.

This morning a good PCV friend of mine told me about a dream she had last night. In her dream she was in juvie (a juvenile detention facility) and, although locked in a cell, she had complete freedom within the compound, had a huge bed, TV, all the amenities, and lots of room to move around. It struck me. That is how living and working here is for me. I have freedoms within my little room, within my village (and the surrounding ones) before dark, within the cities behind walls and gates/ on streets lined with walls and gates, but I'm never totally free. Sometimes I don't even notice it, it becomes routine, other times I feel suffocated. This is a hard country to work in for me. (I know it's all relative and I'm not here to justify my experience or compare it to someone else's.) This week I have been challenged yet again. Why am I doing this? Why am I choosing to live in a country where crime rates are so high? Where poverty is so prevalent? Where death is ever present? Where I feel myself becoming more and more desensitized and (sigh) apathetic because I have to tap into some defense and coping mechanisms to remain sane? Where I am constantly on my guard, always very much aware of sticking out or being different or being a target? Where skin color has so much attached to it, where I find myself asking "were they a black South African or a white South African?" to make sense of some story being told? Where I'm not sure my drive and passion to help is enough to make even small changes? I have met some amazing people who came to South Africa to work and help bring about change... people with hope and good ideas, people who were/are not naive or too idealistic... some of those people have left, some of those people are seriously considering leaving, and some of those people are worn out and feeling somewhat defeated, but have feelings that point toward staying to the end of their service. I'm not sure where I stand. This week I said goodbye to one of my closest friends here (and in a lot of ways... in my life) who left to go back to Texas, I got some bad news from the States and wasn't able to be face to face with good friends I'd like to support through a rough time, and one of my good friends who went through a very traumatic and difficult time, is trying to swim through all the appointments, (medical, legal, and psychological) and make some sense as to why it all happened.

I am tired. Exhausted. I know I wrote an email a few months ago with those same words...and I prevailed... but the meanings of those words keep changing. I want to be able to sleep through the night. I want to find the positives in all of this. I want to prevail. I don't want to be worn down. I want to have all the good I've seen be enough to balance everything all out.. but right now I'm waning. I came here to go about change, for the country of South Africa and for myself.... and I wanted all that change to be positive. How do you know when things are just tough and you're gaining strength and knowledge from the experience? How do you know when you've been pushed far enough, taken all that you can absorb? In some ways I love this country. I love the little kids that smile up at you. I love getting excited about projects I can start, I can work on at my job. I love my new host family and their ability to read exactly what I need. I love those times when I make a connection with someone. But I am worn out... and not settled enough to feel like I can get the rest I need. I've thought about visiting the States, going back to Austin for a little while, in a few months... seeing if maybe a change of scenery will give me some perspective... I've thought a lot of things.

I'm sorry this is such a downer. I'm ok. I'll be ok. I just needed to send some words out to my support network... I need some strength.