yeah, so what if I am?

I get proposed to at least once every week, if not more frequently. In the beginning it wasn't so much annoying as it was awkward... but now... now we know that I do awkward well. Awkward very much describes my life here. Not awkward in an uncomfortable sense, awkward in the "keeps-you-on-your-toes-how-the-hell-did-I-find-myself-in-this-situation-again?-shrugging -seems-to-be-a-good-response-wow-this-is a new-perspective-on-things" sense. It's not the beginning anymore and the proposals still aren't so much annoying.. and they're not really awkward.... they just seem to blend in with everything else. When I get in the taxi and sit next to a man who says,"I want us to be friends" or "I love you" my brain pretty much interprets the interaction as common. I usually smile, say no thanks, say I'm not interested, and that's the end of it. I have had a few times where it wasn't the end, where the guy got a little pushy, I got a little mad, and it took awhile to shake the whole situation off. These proposals aren't coming from a love standpoint, the men (and, hey, one time a woman) usually have no idea who I am... and I don't know them, and once I walk away the conversation moves into my past just like a conversation I would have with someone about the price of tomatoes or how hot the sun is.
Today, after hoofing it everywhere and trying to finish up a few things before everything shuts down for the holidays, I stopped at the NGO down the road to talk about donation letters and what the plan is for the new year. It was hot and I plopped myself onto a chair right in front of the door for the breeze. It was there that I had a conversation with one of the guys who works there. It started off with the proposal, but then after a few minutes, it shifted and turned into a real conversation, an exchange. An exchange! You know where he asks me something and I respond and then vice versa? And it went on for half an hour or so. He asked how old I was, if I was married, and I responded with,"30 and no". He came at it from one common African perspective, wanting me to know that my child bearing years were dwindling, that there were plenty of good men out there, men who knew I would make a good wife, even if I didn't know how to make porridge. He asked if I had ever tried to figure out why I wasn't married, why I was 30 and without children and a husband, why I was waiting until the very last minute to settle such affairs in my life. And I responded. I responded honestly and in such a comfortable way I almost shocked myself.
I thought for sure when I joined Peace Corps that there would be a big group of people fresh out of college, a big group of retirees, and then me, in my late 20's, moving off to try something new, see something new, and maybe, in the process, help bring about some change. A lot of my friends were settled in relationships (married or long term), with steady jobs, buying houses, kids on the way, growing up. And I was moving away from all of that... some people interpreted it as escaping reality. When I think back now, I know I was excited, but I really had no clue as to what I was getting myself into. Maybe a grass hut, maybe carrying my water from the river, maybe sleeping outside when the heat became unbearable. Those were all things I sort of expected. As for personal change... I knew I wanted change, but had no idea how much change would really happen.
When I answered him today, I told him I was very much ok with my life at the moment. I was pretty sure I would find someone who would be a good match for me at some point. If I didn't have kids, I didn't have kids, some things happen that way, and there was always adoption, which I feel pretty strongly about. I don't think there's anything wrong with me and I'm pretty sure I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing because I know I'm a better person because of it.
When I was walking back to my room for lunch I kept thinking about our conversation... the big realization I took away from the interaction?
This is so hard, sometimes I wonder why the hell I'm doing it, everything can turn on a dime, and there is such an intensity with my extreme emotions that runs parallel to the intensity and extremes in this country...
BUT...
I love who I am becoming, I love feeling change and growth, and I thank South Africa with all its frustrations, insanity, bi-polarness, challenges, and things that I cry and shake my fists over, for its part in helping me find how to be comfortable with myself. I know I still have a ways to go, more things to learn, but I've come to see that that's life. If I can do this... if I can move somewhere so far from the reality I've always known... and make a life, finally fit somewhere that once felt so strange, have friends, and still love myself... hell, even like myself... after so much alone time.... I CAN DO ANYTHING!
Happy Holidays and Happy New Year! I'll see you in 2009! (Aw yeah, I mean that in the blogging sense and in the face to face sense!)
I have high hopes for the coming year.