The Politics

Just a little low lately...the kind of low where you find yourself one night just crying because everything seems to be a little off. Ah, the lows and frustrations! I'm really struggling with my job, that's the short, condensed version of the story. I think that's what has had me in a funk, spending 35-40 hours a week in a situation you're not sure what to do with can definitely affect all the other hours. I'm trying my hardest to figure out how the hell to break free a little bit, just so I can regain some of my sanity. It's the same story it is with a lot of people all over the world, in all kinds of work situations... the ol supervisor shouldn't be in such a position of power and is bringing my organization down. I get upset because it directly affects me, but it's also quite clear (and more infuriating) that so many people relying on my NGO for services aren't getting as good of care as they could be receiving. That my coworkers and other people who work closely with my office, who are passionate and really enthusiastic about doing some good, are being held back, turned away, because of a power struggle. I just feel like people settle a lot for shit they don't deserve... and just sort of take the approach that it will never get better, so they'll just do the best that they can with what they are given. Is it because I was raised in the States, raised in a life that offered me so many OPTIONS, that I think you can change things... that I have some hope? Am I too idealistic? Should I just not fight things? I'll admit it, I've cried at work on more than one occasion. It's not like that's my only reaction to things, but some days I've gotten my fill and really am so frustrated the tears just come, they're rolling down my cheeks before I even realize what's happening. It's hard to hear good ideas shot down. It's hard to work in an environment where all the little things are picked apart, but the big things like, "How can we feed more children?" and "What's the next step in trying to get more funding so we can actually pay our carers' a living wage?" are side stepped. It's hard to see that other people are reduced to tears and strained conversations as well. Two of my very favorite people in South Africa and in my office are putting in applications at other places of employment. Yes, it is good to keep your options open. Yes it is good to try to go somewhere where you feel you might be making a difference, where you feel heard. On a selfish note, for me, though, it sucks. The idea of being in my office, at my job, without two of my greatest sources of support makes me tense up, wonder if maybe I should think about moving on too. These feelings and ups and downs carried me through the week, right up to Thursday. Esther and I met at the trashcan outside a little bit after lunch. I told her, with my voice shaking, that I had heard she was thinking about moving on... keeping her options open. I told her I was proud of her, that any organization would be lucky to have her around. And then, cause I'm just in that place, I told her I was going to miss her if she left and that I wasn't sure what would happen with all the programs that have been put into place. Esther and Synett really do run the show. Finances are in check and site visits are made on a pretty regular basis. She just looked into my eyes and said, "Mmapula, there is a reason God put us here, together, at this time. We are not sure what He has in mind, but we will try our best to work with what He has given us. We now know each other and are a part of each other, we are family, and nothing will break that." And she was/is right. There is a reason I'm here, there are lessons to be learned, and even though it feels like I'm not doing any work, I know I'm doing something. I fight. I may get upset, but I question and challenge things, have proven to my office that settling for unreasonable treatment in your workplace isn't always so good for your sanity and for the benefit of the people you're serving. We're shaking things up at the office. Conversations have been had with the Board of Directors. Meetings have been had to discuss how to approach the supervisor as a united front. I have to remember that things don't happen overnight, change is a slow process, especially when you're working with deeply rooted issues.